Bohm Wildish :: Divorce Advice – The new year is underway and your divorce is recently finalized. The next few months are challenging and pivotal. Marriage and family therapist Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. recently outlined one of the biggest mistakes recently divorced parents make in a HuffPost Divorce article we thought we’d share.
It’s only natural that many divorced parents now lack the attention and support they once had, and they turn to their children to fill that void. The generational boundaries blur, and kids start to act/seem more like another parent than the child. Your child loves you, understands you and is old enough to help, so why not let him/her? Be careful. There is a big difference between asking your child to step up a little more around the house and encouraging him/her to become a mini-adult long before he/she is ready. It can be even worse when you start to emotionally dump on your child the way you would a partner or a therapist. Your child loves you, but don’t have adult conversations with him/her simply because there isn’t an adult around.
To grow into psychologically healthy adults, children need to be children. Here are a few tips and some additional divorce advice:
Take the high road as you outline new responsibilities. Have honest conversations with them about how life will now be different. Be empathetic and don’t blame the other parent for all the new changes. Your kids may need you be comforting without trashing your ex.
Seek out your friends/family for emotional support. Save the conversations about your intense emotions, good and bad, relating to your divorce for people that are closer to your age.
Be realistic when asking your children for help around the house. Don’t expect a first grader to vacuum the house perfectly or a child to be able to prepare a gourmet meal. They can certainly help around the house now that they live with a single parent, but keep their chores age appropriate. They probably can’t do all the things a grown adult was doing to keep the house running.
Keep setting limits. You’re the parent. Don’t make your eldest kid a co-parent to help discipline the younger siblings. That’s not his/her role and won’t be good for anyone involved. Some children could become resentful and it can definitely hurt family bonds. Maintain your role as the parent, regardless of being newly single.