Divorce can affect kids negatively. Here's some good advice on successful co-parenting strategies.

For parents, thinking about divorce can bring stress and guilt because the emotional ramifications that can come from legal separation with children. How will the kids react? Will you damage them? And what will your life look like after divorce? Actually, making the decision to co-parent with your soon-to-be ex spouse could be one of the best decisions you ever made. How is that possible?

Firstly, if you are thinking about getting a divorce, you need to hire a qualified family law lawyer who can make it easier for you to navigate through this difficult time, especially in a hotly contested, high-conflict divorce or a complex divorce involving high-net worth individuals.

To help you start the divorce process, an attorney can give you pertinent information on the best way to deal with parenting arrangements, child support, alimony and how to protect your assets.  Also, it may be time to think about a “divorce team,” which features not only a divorce lawyer, but a family therapist as well as a financial planner and perhaps a tax consultant.

What is Joint Custody?

Most legal separation with children cases involve joint custody. This is when one parent is designated as the primary residential parent and where the children spend more than fifty percent of their time. Usually, the “primary” parent receives child support from the other parent.

With joint custody, the parents agree to consult with each other on vital issues such as education, recreational activities, religious upbringing and health issues in advance so these decisions will not create a deadlock.  However, either parent has the right to petition the court to change a decision for the best interests of their children.

Think of Starting Life Anew!

For those who have already gone through a divorce or those who wonder what their life might look like afterward legal separation with children, think of it as a makeover to a new you. Sure, you can get depressed angry and frustrated, but you will also have the opportunity to change and make your dreams come true.

When it comes to your kids, you are beginning life in a completely new way with your ex. This is the time to look beyond any painful history and focus on your children. Whether you’re talking to each other at drop-offs or pick-ups, coordinating schedules or discussing ways to solve problems, it’s time to make a fresh start so you can have a close relationship with your children.

Although your marriage may be on the rocks or completely over, parenting is not and your priority should be what’s best for the kids. This is especially true when children live in separate houses for a weekend, a whole week or a month or every other day.

Judith Wallerstein in her book Second Chances: Men, Women & Children a Decade After Divorce summarizes a comprehensive study of the effects of divorce on children. Her study determined that, ten years after divorce, children who were allowed continuous access to both parents were less apt to feel rejection, loss, and low self-esteem.

When you co-parent, your children should realize both parents love them despite the change in their living arrangements. In this way, children adjust to your divided households and adapt more quickly to your divorce.  Also, co-parenting means better cooperation between the parents using similar discipline and rules, which leads to the children feeling less stress and more secure in their new lifestyle.

Co-Parenting Advantages

On weekends or vacations when the other parent has the children, there’s no need to spend money for childcare or rely on a relative or friend to take the children.  You’re free to socialize with friends, attend a concert, browse antique stores and flea markets, go out on a date, take a leisurely stroll on the beach or travel to places you’d never be able to visit with the children in tow.

When you’re emancipated from parenthood for a day, a weekend or a week, you can live a single life by hanging out with friends at your favorite dining spot, the glory of sleeping in until 10 a.m., enjoying a quiet night at home and reading a book without interruption or whooping it up on the dance floor.

Dating is now a real option when the kids are gone from the house.  When you meet someone who interests you, you can get to know the person without all the kid craziness. Then, when you’re ready, you can introduce your kids to your date.

Image a clean house!  You can actually keep your living space neat and clean for a whole day, a weekend or possible week.  Just think! You can organize your closets and do some deep spring cleaning without the little ones getting in the way.

Grocery shopping and cooking is much easier when the kids are with your ex.  You get to spend more time shopping for yourself without the kids tagging along and you don’t have to cook large meals and make snacks either.

However, there are a few downsides too.

Co-Parenting Costs

Paying for two households is definitely more expensive than maintaining one. Children need double clothing, toiletries, medications, furniture, toys, TVs, and other items when they live in two households.  These expenses add up quickly, so think about putting away some money for any much-needed items for your new house.

Unfortunately, your child support may be reduced when you co-parent, which could have a significant effect on your finances. If you earn more than your ex, you may end up as the one who has to pay more.

Co-Parenting and Transportation

At times, transporting the kids becomes problematic.  Who’s going to pick-up and drop-off or take the children to the doctor or the school play? It works best when transportation issues need to be worked out in advance.

However, life isn’t simple. Things come up at the last minute, which usually leads to frustration and disappointment.  It may take some time and some trial and error, but both parents need to learn flexibility so their children won’t become irritated and feel insecure.

Home Life: Rules, Schedules and Discipline

Children thrive on living under some basic expectations and consistency. However, living in two homes instead of one may make your child feel like there’s really “no home” at all.  To help solve this dilemma, it’s best for each child to have a space in yours and your ex’s house that’s their own.

Rules can vary from house to house, of course. To create the most harmony, maintain consistent guidelines in both houses for such issues as bedtime, homework, internet access, TV programs and curfews.

Discipline can be tricky when the children go from one house to another, but they need to know there are consequences when rules are broken.  If a child loses out on an activity or TV privileges when at your ex’s house, learn to make the same restriction apply at your house.

Schedules are an important part of co-parenting and can often lead to difficulties if one parent doesn’t follow the pre-set plan.  This can make your child’s adjustment to having two homes complicated.  Also, consistent schedules, which are planned in advance and kept “promises,” help to make your children feel confident in their new spaces.

Missing Items

This one is especially irksome: missing clothes and school items.  When a child travels between houses, things often get lost and may remain missing for some time. When the clothes do come back, they may have out grown them or be dirty.  Help your children pack before going to your ex’s house so you can remember what they took with them and what needs to come back.

Moving Forward

Of course, there are pros and cons to co-parenting, but parents can work together effectively to give the children stability and a close relationship with both parents.  It is possible to have a cordial working relationship if you can come to some kinds of consensus with ex.

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you go forward into your new life:

Communication is the key to a good relationship with your ex and it will last your children’s entire childhood, maybe even longer.  It may prove to be a tough task, but you don’t have to meet face-to-face.  Use technology such as emails, text messaging, phone and voice mails to establish a communication system.

Keep your conversations limited to your kids.  Apply restraint by failing to overreact to your ex if he or she tries to push your buttons.  If you let this happen, it can become a major source of friction and taint your relationship with your chuildren.  Another important communication point: never discuss your disagreements in front of the children. If this is impossible, seek a therapist to help you communicate with your ex.

Don’t use your kids as a messenger system.  Call or email your ex about issues rather than putting your children in the middle of your relationship with your ex.

Keep all those hurtful and painful things about your past relationship with ex to yourself.  If you need to talk, find a friend or make an appointment with a therapist to let out all your negative feelings.  Children shouldn’t have to choose which parent is “right” and which one is “wrong.”

Remember, co-parenting is a team effort so be honest and straightforward about important issues that affect your children well-being. Cooperation and communication without major battles allows for better decisions and greater congeniality with your ex.

For more information on co-parenting, joint custody and child support, visit Divorce and Children.

Also see Co-Parenting Agreement.

Is it legal to snoop into your spouse's digital life?

In this very digital age, divorce has become much more transparent. Couples even a few years ago could live their lives quite anonymously (can you say affair?) while stashing money on the side for any troubling possibility.

Not so much anymore. With all records going digital and with cameras on every smart phone, our lives are rather clear. So how do you protect yourself against any treachery and what is legal and what’s not when it comes to “spying” on your spouse?

Firstly, make certain to get some good legal advice from a reputable family law lawyer, especially if you are a high-income earner, investor or property owner. Some of the first steps towards a separation or divorce (and certainly in the case of a cheater and liar!) are critical when it comes to bank accounts, co-parenting and who is going to keep the house.

But the question remains: Is it legal to find a cheater whether it be an extramarital affair or “hidden” assets?

It is Legal to Find a Cheater?

It used to be that husbands and wives hired a private detective to uncover anything seedy or untrustworthy about a spouse. Today, husbands and wives are surfing the net and social media networks such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest to discover any hidden activity.

Sometimes called “electronic discovery” in the legal community, “spying” on your spouse via his or her digital life is coming into the courtroom as evidence in divorce cases more often than not.

Some spouses even go so far as to install “spyware” software. But is installing spyware on someone’s computer so you can analyze their every key stroke even legal? If the computer is “shared,” then it is, in most cases, legal. But if the digital device is expressly used by one spouse and protected by passwords, then a spyware attack could be deemed illegal or at least unsavory.

In fact, divorce lawyers and their clever research experts use something called “advanced research tools” to sort through digital evidence in preparation for divorce cases. Computer hard drives are a treasure trove of information from passwords to bank statements to credit card bills to PayPal accounts to emails. And, yes, all of this information can potentially be used against you in a divorce case.

Still, the law has not caught up with the ever-evolving digital lifestyle. And this is another reason to consider hiring a qualified divorce lawyer who is knowledgeable not only about technology, but about the latest in family and criminal law. Why? Because newfangled things such as hacking and spyware laws can vary considerably in each state and even in a particular family law court.

And remember, tainted evidence is never a good idea in court. Sure, you got your hands on your spouse’s hidden investment account, but you got it through potentially illegal means (spyware). Not only is it possible to go to jail over such an offense, but you may also lose a lot of credibility in the judge’s eyes.

How do you get around the legal issue? Your lawyer can hire someone called a “forensic accountant.” This person can uncover – via advanced and focused searches – things like “hidden” pension funds, bank accounts and even entire businesses.

Digital devices have made divorce even more complicated and definitely more transparent. When considering divorce or in the middle of a challenging divorce battle, it’s best to get good legal advice or you may end up paying for your curiosity (or pay back) in the worst possible ways.

Family law lawyers these days tell clients to reflect before they post on social media networking sites before, during and after a divorce.

The digital lifestyle can have negative consequences and one of which is this: You can sabotage your own divorce case if you aren’t careful about posting on social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter and even the up-and-coming iPhone app, Instagram.

In fact, the AmericanAcademyof Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) recently released a study that showed more than 80 percent of divorce attorneys have used social media posts (also known as “social networking”) as evidence in divorce court cases in the past six years.

Yes, divorce lawyers all over the country are, more and more, sharing Facebook posts, Twitter tweets and Instagram pics and captions in the courtroom. These “snapshots” into the life of your soon-to-be ex spouse have exposed extramarital affairs and outright lies that can affect everything from spousal support (alimony) to the time your allowed to spend with your children.

In Dishon & Block’s new infographic titled, How Family Law Attorneys Use Social Media Evidence in Court Cases, the above statistics plus some real court cases outline this not-so-surprising trend in divorce. Here are a couple of examples from the infographic:

Belly Dancing Out of Alimony

“McGurk claimed that an accident disabled her during the marriage and that she needed $850 a month alimony from her ex as support. Evidence pulled from Facebook and MySpace showed that four years after the accident, she was an avid belly dancer. The judge accepted this as proof and subsequently denied the woman lifetime support.”

Make It Facebook Official

“In the Stephen and Courtney Gallion case, a widely reported case, the husband had seen some things on their shared computer that made him suspect incriminating evidence would be found in the wife’s social media accounts. The judge ordered the divorcing couple to hand over the passwords to their Facebook and online dating accounts to the opposing counsel.”

See? Social media networking can undermine your divorce (or prove your point!). So, what can you do about it today?

What Can I Do About Social Media and My Divorce?

One thing lawyers say is crucial to the divorce process is patience and restraint. Sure, it may be very tempting to gush on Facebook about your new crush, but it can also be used as evidence if you must disprove adultery in your divorce case.

What about tweets, Instagram pics and even “check ins” on your smart phone?  They can pinpoint your movements that can build a case to your very own guilt! And that’s not good in any court action.

Most divorce lawyers caution their clients to be rather anonymous during this time. This isn’t just flippant advice. Remember, you may feel like you are flying (as in partying) after you’ve decided to separate from your spouse, but do you really want to capture all the flying-too-high moments too?

Social media evidence can jeopardize not only your court case, but also affect your child custody rights and future ability to co-parent with your ex spouse. Here are some more tips:

Don’t brag. Think twice about “bragging” to your ex via any social networking post. Party pics can get you in trouble in more ways than just one.

Block your ex. Block your ex spouse from all your social media sites and consider blocking or limiting availability to certain family, friends and colleagues who are sympathetic to your ex spouse.

Change your passwords and protect your digital equipment. It is possible your ex spouse has or had access to your laptop or smart phone and can hijack passwords and even install spyware software. First, take the time to change all your important passwords. If you suspect spyware or are just curious, you can take your laptop or smart phone to a spyware detection specialist.

Stop checking in and geotagging. Don’t let everyone know your whereabouts during this sensitive time in your life. It’s time to chill out on any location services software such as “check ins” on your iPhone or with Instagram’s newfangled “geotagging” capabilities.

It may not be fun, but be wary before, during and after divorce about how your ex spouse, friends and family members (and a judge!) may feel about all of your social networking posts.

For more information on social media and divorce, see Texts, Spyware, Social Media and Divorce.

Will you need to give or get a get in the future? The time to think about it is before the wedding.

In a Jewish divorce, the ancient ketubah or pre-nuptial agreement gives women certain rights, but how does a woman get a get (a Jewish bill of divorce)? And what about the husband? What are his rights and how does a Jewish man give a get?

Firstly, it’s best to hire a qualified divorce lawyer who also specializes in Jewish laws and customs and consult with a trusted rabbi. Jewish law differs considerably from California’s Family Code. Under Jewish law, spousal support is very limited, property is not divided equally, and gender preferences in custody disputes can produce results that California law disfavors.

For example, did you know simply filling out a form from your local modern orthodox rabbi could have profound effect on the outcome of a divorce?  To avoid any costly financial (and emotional) mistakes down the road, here are some tips from this Jewish divorce attorney.

Plan to Divorce?

Couples planning to marry almost never do so with a plan to divorce, but many wish to arrange their affairs in advance, “just in case.”  Prenuptial agreements are often made to state clearly what each of the parties in a marriage may expect if their marriage fails.

Issues regarding spousal support and property division are usually at the top of the list of concerns in this truly unromantic process. However, if the pre-nuptial agreement is properly drafted and executed, the contractual certainty of where each party stands economically in a marriage can actually bring shalom bait – peace in the home.

The Ketubah

We tend to think of prenuptial agreements as creatures of modern American life, but Jewish wives have been protected by a premarital contract — called a ketubah — for more than two thousand years. The ketubah is given by a husband to his wife, and during marriage, a ketubah entitles a Jewish wife to financial support and conjugal rights.

How to Get and Give a Get

If the marriage unfortunately fails, the ketubah nominally obligates a Jewish man to support his wife, but it does not force him to grant her a get, which is a Jewish bill of divorce.  Under orthodox rabbinic law, a get is required to end a Jewish marriage. In fact, a Jewish woman must get a get or she cannot remarry.

The get must be “freely given” by the husband. However, men have been known to extort huge sums of money for a get. There are many tragic stories of men so bent on vengeance or consumed by jealousy that they sit in jail rather than give a get. Certainly the tragedy lies not in the man who holds the keys to his jail cell, but rather in the life of the woman, called an aguna, who then becomes socially and perhaps financially imprisoned by such an self-obsessed man.

For those men who refuse to give a get, a rabbinic court can order a man beaten (theoretically) or jailed (actually) in order to get a get out of him.  In Israel, he can be stripped of his driver’s license or professional license.

In the State of New York, there are special laws, which attempt to force an uncooperative man to grant his estranged wife a get. How does it work? The courts are allowed to consider financial hardships caused and can award support or property accordingly, and by requiring a get before entry of a civil judgment of divorce.

In the U.S., a few wives have successfully sued their husbands on the ketubah contract to obtain a get. However, California courts have repeatedly refused to enforce religious laws on First Amendment grounds.

What’s a Jewish Prenuptial Agreement?

All these remedies may fail if the rabbis find the get is not freely given. Because of this, a new kind of Jewish Prenuptial Agreement (JPA) was developed by modern orthodox rabbis, which levies a fine of a certain amount of support for each day a husband refuses to give a get.

Though not universally accepted by all orthodox rabbis as non-coercive, the JPA requires the parties to arbitrate their dispute before a rabbinical court (beit din). And though there are no cases yet to test the enforceability of a JPA because the agreement calls only for payment of money and not the granting of a get, the arbitration award should be enforceable in civil court, just like any other arbitration award.

Beware California Law!

In California, beware! The law regarding prenuptial agreements is quite complex and couples who enter into them quite often wind up litigating their validity and/or enforceability. It is imperative that anyone seeking to enter into a prenuptial agreement inCalifornia consult a family law attorney who knows this area of the law well.

If the couple’s only concern is getting a get if things don’t work out, the agreement should be carefully drafted to avoid all other issues.  A standard, pre-printed Jewish prenuptial agreement drafted by a rabbinical council could make all issues, including support, property division, child custody – even restraining orders – subject to arbitration by a rabbinical court.

Steve Kaufman is a partner at Dishon, Block Divorce Attorneys, which is a family law practice with offices in both Century City (Los Angeles) and Irvine (Orange County), California.

Divorce can set you on a new course in your life!

Divorce Advice: Dishon & Block Family Law Experts

When considering divorce or separation, do you immediately feel like you’re stuck in a leaky financial boat that’s sinking fast?  This can be a tricky and difficult time, but you can stop your ship from going under with smart financial decisions at the outset of the divorce process that can set you on a new course in life.

Remember, building a divorce support team can be critical in testing the waters of separation or divorce. A qualified family law attorney can guide you through each step of the process, fight for your rights if need be and help steer you to a family therapist, a financial planner and perhaps even a tax accountant.

Taking positive actions towards this daunting emotional and financial task can actually alleviate stress. It’s important to stay as relaxed and as rational as possible when sailing through the divorce process. Why? Any overlooked financial detail can escalate into the loss of thousands of dollars later, so it is prudent to make logical (and smart!) financial decisions now.

One of the first steps to financial success is to close any joint bank and investment accounts and cancel any joint credit cards.

Then, notify major credit bureaus to separate your credit history from your soon-to-be ex spouse. That way, all future reports will be based on your own credit. Scan your credit carefully to be certain all joint credit accounts are closed and/or notified of the financial separation.

Don’t forget to revise your will and, if appropriate, name another beneficiary(s). Legal revisions also apply to insurance, taxes and retirement plans (401(k)s, IRAs and Roth IRAs, for example).

Additional divorce advice would be to keep copies of all your important legal and financial information, especially this document: Qualified Domestic Relations Order or QDRO, which often determines how any future pension and/or retirement plan benefits are to be divided up. The QDRO is required by an employer to distribute retirement benefits to a former spouse.  So, if you are to receive benefits from your ex’s plan, you’ll need this document.

Other financial choices include the assessment of your household needs and a budget to get you through this difficult time after your divorce or separation as your income changes from two to one.

Look at your taxes!  Check your tax liabilities that may leave you with fewer net assets than your ex, even if the property has been equally divided.

People often overlook social security entitlements.  If you are at least 62 years old and meet the law’s requirements, your ex-spouse’s work record may entitle you to receive benefits.

Feeling stressed out already? All divorcees have felt this way. Start by getting a qualified divorce lawyer so you can get the advice you need to move forward safely and securely. And one day soon, you will feel like you are navigating through smoother emotional waters.

Not sure how to start the divorce process? Here’s some advice and tips from a family law attorney on how to get started: California Divorces Process

High conflict divorce can affect kids in negative ways.

Tensions often dramatically increase when going through an extremely disagreeable divorce. Called high-conflict divorce in the legal community, these hotly contested breakups can cause children much emotional rage, resentment and pain.  However, there are a number of ways to end the family uproar and come to a more peaceful resolution.

No doubt, children pay a huge price for parental conflict, but what steps can be taken to minimize the hurt and pain during a highly-disputed divorce? After firstly hiring a qualified divorce attorney to give you first step solutions into the legal and financial challenges, here’s some more advice for those undertaking this traumatic life journey:

Stop blaming your ex for all your marital problems. No one likes to admit mistakes or missteps, but all of us have made thousands of decisions along the way that have brought us to this moment. Taking 100 percent responsibility for yours may show your children that you are accountable and in charge of your life.

Who’s in charge anyways? Perhaps you think you’re a better parent than your ex. If so, this belief may lead you into an even greater conflict. Exerting control over every facet of your ex’s life only brings more trouble because, truth is, no one can completely control another human being. This tug-of-war may lifestyle places your children in the difficult position of taking sides between two people they love.

Never seek revenge! After being humiliated and perhaps having feelings worthlessness and abandonment, you may have an insatiable appetite for revenge. But if you’re using your children as a weapon to make your ex pay, it will only escalate the conflict (often marked by frequent court actions). Is revenge worth the painful price your children may suffer under the false illusion that retribution will solve your wounded feelings?

Stay out of your ex’s personal life. During and after a divorce, you are not responsible for your ex’s personal life.  Stick to your parenting business and let your ex figure out his or her own life. You may always have communication with the other parent, but don’t meddle or give unwanted advice.  It only causes more controversy, which makes life more chaotic for your children.

Rules, rules and more rules! Often, there is a constant war over who sets the rules in the game of parenting.  For example, the ex allows the child to watch a certain program or to stay up past bedtime. This may enrage the parent who tries to set all the rules, but it only makes for a marked increase in discord. This is why a parenting plan is in order!

Finally, a solution! To stop igniting the fuse with your ex by developing an effective parenting plan. This plan helps you to pin down your children’s needs such as scheduling special holidays, vacations, birthdays or events with your ex, but there are other factors to consider.

What about transportation to and from school events and visitations or who takes the children to the doctor or dentist?  When your child is ill, whose job is it to take care of the sick child?

Then, there’s money. Usually a hotly disputed issue, the parenting plan may help solve financial concerns such as who pays for that ballerina tutu or a trip toDisneyland?

Sit down with your ex or if that’s unattainable, talk to an attorney about writing out a basic parenting plan. Go over the plan with your ex, then, stick to it, but be willing to change the plan as your children grow. When you have a parenting plan, there’s less stress on both parents. Just remember, each plan should be geared toward the individuals in your family, which should also include a system for sharing information.

Again, the first thing to do when going through a divorce is to hire a qualified divorce lawyer. An attorney can give you the information you need to start the divorce process, including the best way to deal with your ex, your kids, your finances and how to protect your assests, child support and parenting arrangements.

Although this can be one of the most difficult times in your life, hiring an attorney for a high-conflict divorce can be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

For more information, visit Divorce and Children

Divorce can cause conflicts with family and friends. What do you do?

Dishon & Block: Divorce Advice
If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, your head is most likely spinning with a million questions, but one question that often pops up is this:  What impact will this have on my friends?

Divorce often affects friendships in a way never imagined.  Unfortunately, friends may take sides and this can be quite painful when these once-close friends or work acquaintances turn and run away as if you had just contracted a deadly disease.

So, expect some bumpy friendship roads when you’re going through a divorce and your so-called friends just fade away without so much as a fare-thee-well. But how can you keep your friends without alienating them in the throes of a divorce or when its ended?

Stop complaining about your ex. Keep your criticisms about your ex at bay.  If you’re constantly whinning about what your ex did or not did do and the “unfairness” of it all, people eventually become weary of listening to your long list of grievances and stop calling or inviting you out.  They just don’t want to hear it anymore!

Be on guard of overly-friendly spouses or significant others. This gem should not be overlooked. Becoming too cozy with your friend’s spouse or significant other can lead to real problems especially when a spouse calls to offer advice or possibly something more. Keep your guard up and don’t get caught up in a situation you didn’t initate or ever contemplate in the first place.  Be strong and say, “No thank you!”

Build a support system. You will know who your BFFs are, either girlfriends or close buddies. They are true friends who listen with a sympathetic ear to your hurt and pain. But just don’t keep talking about your ex to them.  Make plans to do things that are fun;  take in a girl flick or go to a sport’s bar to cheer your favorite team, set off on a hike or bike ride together. Plan a tapas party or celebrate a friend’s birthday!  Fun times with good friends will help your sadness disappear and you’ll feel more in charge of your life.

Thank those who have stuck with you. You’ll know who your real friends are because these people will support and love you when you need it the most.  So, don’t forget to thank them for their kindess and generosity, perhaps with a card, flowers or a gift they’ll really appreciate.

If you are already certain about getting a divorce, the first thing to do is to hire a qualified divorce lawyer.  An attorney can give you the information you need to start the divorce process, including the best way to deal with your finances and how to protect your assests, child support and parenting arrangements.

Although this can be one of the most difficult times in your life, hiring an attorney with a support team can be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

How do you cope with the emotional trauma of your wife's affair? And what about the legal aspects of divorce?

Dishon & Block: Divorce Advice
Have you come to the shocking conclusion that your wife is cheating on you? Yep, having a cheating wife can be perhaps the most emotionally traumatic time of your life. So, what do you do after you get over the “she really cheated on me” nuclear bomb goes off inside your mind?

If you are already certain about getting a divorce, the first thing to do is to hire a qualified family law lawyer. An attorney can give you the information you need to start the divorce process, including the best way to deal with bank accounts, moving out, alimony, child support, parenting arrangements and how to protect all your assets.

But what about your broken heart, your smashed soul and your bruised ego? It may be time to think about a “divorce support team,” which can feature not only a divorce lawyer but a family therapist (as well as a financial planner and perhaps a tax accountant).

Do you suspect your wife of cheating, but don’t have the proof yet? Some studies show women don’t cheat less than men, they are just better at lying about it (or men are fooled more easily).

Dr. David Holmes, who is a psychologist in the UK, says his 2009 study shows women are increasingly having affairs (15 percent) and have almost caught up to men (20 percent) in the percentage of married people who cheat.

‘The biggest difference is that women are much better at keeping their affairs secret,” says Holmes. “If you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 per cent of children haven’t been fathered by the man who thinks he’s the biological parent.”

More than ever, spouses (and divorce lawyers) are using Facebook posts and Twitter tweets, texts and chat transcripts as evidence of adultery. But is it legal and how does it work? Check out this cool infographic with real-life divorce court examples here: Social Media Divorce Evidence.

Not sure how to start the divorce process? Here’s some divorce tips and advice from a family law attorney on how to get started: California Divorce Guide.

Embed this infographic on your site:

<a href="http://www.cadivorce.com/news/social-media-evidence/" title="Social Media Divorce Evidence"><img src="http://www.cadivorce.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/dishonandblock-social-media-infographic.png" alt="Social Media Divorce Evidence" width="600" height="3164" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.cadivorce.com/news/social-media-evidence/" title="California Divorce Law">California Family Law</a>

Dishon & Block: Divorce Advice

One way to stay positive during this stressful time is to avoid going to divorce court at all. This is done by hiring a qualified divorce lawyer who then works with a mediator (usually a retired judge) to broker a smooth separation rather than an all-out battle.

Hiring a reputable lawyer and mediator can go a long way to showing your spouse that you want to avoid a divorce war at all costs.

Here’s some more advice for making your divorce as much of a positive experience as possible:

• Take control of your life by educating yourself about the divorce process.
• Communicate openly with your spouse and your divorce lawyer about your desire for a “happy” divorce.
• Don’t view your spouse as the enemy and try your best to “make peace” with him or her.
• Control your emotions and don’t allow yourself to do anything negative, spiteful, vicious or retaliatory even if your spouse turns spiteful.
• Stop judging and start forgiving. Also, remember to stop blaming your spouse and start accepting responsibility for your failed marriage and your actions.
• Become hyper aware of when the divorce process is making you stressful or angry and put steps in place (meditation, breathing, yoga, music therapy) to help you control your emotions, ease your stress and become positive in just a few moments.
• Stay focused on your vision of creating a positive divorce and relationship transition.
• If you have children with your spouse, think about working with a family therapist to create a respectful co-parenting relationship with your soon-to-be ex spouse.
• Also, remember that if you have kids together, your relationship will technically never be “over.” Divorce is just the beginning of a lifetime of decisions you will make and life events (graduations, weddings, birthday parties) you will attend together. This is the time to accept this new way of parenting and to create positive ways to interact so everyone in the family can be happy.

Through all the emotional and financial ups and downs, don’t look at divorce as a winner and loser prospect. Try your best to make your divorce a win-win situation for everyone involved.

For more information on how divorce mediation services can save you money and create a “happy” divorce, visit http://www.cadivorce.com/areas-of-practice/mediation-services.