Common Questions About Divorce

By Richard A. Shulman, Ph.D.

Here is a short list of common divorce questions:

Question: I've been considering divorce for a long time. What kind of effect will it have on my children?

Answer: Divorce is a very serious decision that will have lasting effects on your children. The data from studies show that divorce can lead to depression, anxiety, behavioral problems at school, and relationship problems in the future. In addition, children of divorce are twice as likely to grow up and create marriages that end in divorce than children who grow up in intact homes. Although the act of divorce is stressful for adults and children, once the initial transition is over a life without a stressful, abusive, or addictive environment can be a major positive. In addition, by showing your children love, imposing consequences for misbehavior, promoting respect, and encouraging responsibility you will help increase your child's sense of self-worth and happiness.

Question: When is the best time for me to get a divorce? Should I wait for my child to get older so that he can understand why I'm choosing this option?

Answer: There is no easy answer for this question. You need to be the judge. Data shows that children who grow up in a hostile, aggressive, conflict filled, and stressful environment may be worse off than children who grow up in a stable divorced or stable single parent home. Regardless of the age of your child, he will have obstacles to overcome. Typically, younger children (ages three to six) tend to blame themselves and feel responsible for their parents' divorce. Seven to 12 year olds show a decrease in school performance. Adolescents typically feel they could have prevented the divorce and are also critical of and feel hurt by their parents. The good news is that within a few years, 67% of all children adjust well to their new environment.

Question: What are some signs that my child needs professional help in coping with our divorce?

Answer: All children are affected by divorce, but each deals with the stress differently. Your task as a parent is to identify and differentiate between your child's "normal" behavior and sudden behavioral changes. In addition, identify if these sudden behavioral changes correlate to your divorce.

The identifiable changes in your child's behavior might include these symptoms:

• depressed mood
• tearfulness
• lack of interest or motivation
• increased or decreased need for sleep
• significant increases or decreases in your child's weight or appetite
• poor concentration
• poor attitude
• increased irritability
• excessive guilt
• poor self-esteem
• poor school compliance
• not completing homework
• poor school grades
• fighting with peers or authority
• recurrent thoughts or discussion of death.

If you see three or more of these signs or symptoms, or if you have any questions regarding the welfare of your child, it is imperative that you seek counseling or professional help to guide your child through this transition.

Early intervention and help will make the transitional period easier and shorter.

Divorce