Single Parents Raise Good Kids, Too!

Using the term "broken home" often causes a lot of pain and misperceptions. Children living in a single parent household often face unnecessarily negative stereotypes and hurtful judgments from insensitive adults.

Good, solid parenting is more about quality than quantity of parents.

Regardless of whether the single parent family exists as a result of divorce or the other parent's death, the child is clearly not responsible for their circumstances.

However, the child frequently pays the price, whether it be a child writing an essay when a parent can't attend Back to School Night, a child sitting on the bench because they missed a practice while visiting the other parent, or a child coming home crying from school after being harassed or singled out because their parent is not around.

As adults, teachers, coaches, neighbors, family, and friends, we can change our attitude to be more sensitive and compassionate. It's important to recognize that single parents raise good kids, too.

Good, solid parenting is more about quality than quantity of parents. Whether the single parent household is headed by a mother, father, or grandparent, parenting through divorce alone is an enormous task.

Why should we care? Because the statistics say that most of us are directly or indirectly associated with a single parent family.

Since 1970, the number of children living in a single parent family has doubled. In fact, 1992 statistics indicate that single parent families represent 30% of U.S. households, while 25% represent two-parent households. Based on current trends, potentially 70% of children born since 1980 will spend some time living in a single parent home before their 18^th birthday. These children are not doomed for failure. The following strategies are useful for a single parent determined to raise a good kid despite the social stigmas and stereotypes.

1. Attitude adjustment

Adults and children do better when a single parenthood is perceived as a viable option, not a pathological situation. Start with a positive attitude and focus on the benefits of single parenting, such as less conflict and tension in the home. Many single parents treasure their newfound autonomy and independence and feel hopeful about the future.

2. You are the boss

Establish firm, clear boundaries that leave no doubt that you are the boss in your home. Single parents (and two-parent households) often make the mistake of allowing children to become equal partners or peers, allowing them to run the show. This leads to serious individual and family problems, because children need limits. Use consistent discipline that provides clear expectations and guidelines for behavior and rely on natural and logical consequences. Learn to say, "I love you enough to say NO to you."

3. Deal with the overload

The single parent frequently feels overwhelmed by the responsibility, tasks, and emotional overload associated with raising children alone. It's extremely important to manage time wisely and ask for help when it's needed. Assign children appropriate chores and tasks. Arrange car pools when possible, and ask other parents for help when it's needed.

4. Recognize that you are one person and you are doing the best you can

No matter how loving and competent you are, you're still one person doing a two-person job. Don't allow your children to manipulate you by making you feel guilty about the situation. Remind children that you are a team and have to work together. Give yourself credit for a job well done, because you may have to wait until your kids grow up before they give you any credit. This is where a sense of humor comes in handy!

5. Create a stable, nurturing home

Nurturing is a high priority, but children also crave stability and security. While this is important for all children, it's especially crucial for children who have suffered a loss of stability due to divorce or the death of a parent. Children need to feel secure and protected, and it's our job as parents to create a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Your children need to hear how much you love them and how proud you are of them. Some children may require more affection and attention than other, so know your child, and take your cue from them.

6. Establish schedules and predictable routines

Part of creating stability and security in the home involved establishing predictable schedules and routines for your children. Of course, we must not be rigid and inflexible, because children need to learn that life is not always predictable. Find a healthy balance.

7. Take care of yourself

It is critical to your children's well-being for you to take care of yourself. There are definitely times when you feel like you need a break. Ask other single parents to trade babysitting or hire a mother's helper. Pay special attention to your diet, exercise, stress management, and getting a good night's sleep. Learn relaxation, yoga, meditation, visualization, or whatever health coping skill allows you to relieve stress and tension. Take a walk, read a book, call a friend, or take a nap, because a stressed out parent results in stressed out kids.

8. Develop a reliable support system

Develop a wide network of people who can provide you with emotional support, companionship, help in emergencies, child-care, reality checks, and more. Be selective and choose caring, reliable, trustworthy people capable of being there in times of need.

Single parents with healthy support systems usually feel better mentally and physically, and demonstrate for their children that it's OK to ask for help. Support groups for single parents offer an excellent opportunity to socialize and share with others in similar circumstances.

9. Do not treat your child as a peer

Don't confide in your child as though he/she is a peer, regardless of how mature the child may seem. This is a common unintentional mistake made by many single parents who turn to their child for emotional support, but only realize after-the-fact that they are hurting the child. Allow children to be children, and find other adults for companionship and support.

10. Have realistic expectations

Focus on success and not failure. Set realistic goals as a family and work together to achieve them. Decide what's important and prioritize accordingly. Have family meetings on a regular basis and allow the children to have some input. Learn to effective communicate and solve family problems together while still demonstrating that you're the boss. Give your kids and yourself credit for a job well done.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, or stressed, get professional help. A competent therapist can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel.